Jquery in Real Life

Parenthood

2010-06-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

$('#MotherToBe .twins').unload( function() {
   // 0 - 5
   $(this).attr("voice-family", "male");
   $(this).attr("volume", "x-loud");
   $(this).attr("pitch", "x-high");
   $(this).resize();
   $('.randomobjects').draggable();
   $(this).resize();

   // 6 - 10
   $(this).attr("volume", "loud");
   $(this).attr("pitch", "high");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).filter(".knowledge").effect("explode");
   $(this).resize();

   // 11 - 15
   $(this).attr("pitch", "medium");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).filter(".reason").effect("blind");
   $(this).siblings.text();
   $(this).add(".friends").text();
   $(this).resize();

   // 16 - 21
   $(this).attr("pitch", "low");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).add(".friends").text();
   $(this).appendTo(".College");
   $(this).detach();
}

Surgical procedure - removing your tonsils

2010-06-06T21:04:00.001-07:00

$('body').add('anesthetic');
$('#conciousness').fadeOut();
$('#tonsils').remove();
$('#conciousness').fadeIn();
$('#diet').replaceWith('Ice Cream');

Organising a night out

2010-06-05T16:38:00.001-07:00

$('.venue:has(space)').find().get('Reservation');
$('.friends .underage').each().parents().get('Permission');
$('.friends:selected').text("Let's go out for dinner tonight!");

Cleaning the house

2010-06-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

$('.surfaces').remove('.dust');
$('.bins:not:empty').empty();
$('.dishes').effect('shake');
$('#dishwasher .rack').load('dishes').add('washing powder');
$('#dishwasher #onbutton').keypress();
$('.television').focus();

The start of an American Football play

2010-06-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

$('#play').select();
$('#players .good').select();
$('#players:selected').position();
$('.snap').trigger();

A friend in need ...

2010-06-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

$('.friends').closest().find().unload('.troubles');

Recovering from a hangover

2010-06-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

$('#bowels').empty();
$('.bucket').closest().get(1).append('vomit');
if ($('#bed').has('.someoneelse')) {
$('#selfrespect').die();
$('#bed').empty();
}
$('.regrets').each().focus();
$(self).detach('.headache');
$(self).append('.food .greasy');

Missed a blog post?

2010-05-31T11:35:00.001-07:00

var requiredsleep = 1000 * 60 * 60 * 12;
$('#yesterday').blur();
$('.body').error(function() {
   $('#consciousness').fadeOut().delay(requiredsleep).fadeIn();
   $('#yesterday .blogentry').add();
   $('#today .blogentry').add();
});

Police work

2010-05-31T11:22:00.001-07:00

$('.crime').stop();
if ($('#criminal .crimes').prev().prev()) {
   // Third strike
   $('#criminal').appendTo('#jail');
}
else {
   // Let them go with a warning
   $('#criminal .mindset').toggle();
}

Packing your suitcase

2010-05-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

$('#clothes').each().effect('fold');
$('#shoes').each().add('socks'); // so the shoes keep their shape
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('clothes'));
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('toiletries'));
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('shoes'));
$('#suitcase .zip').scroll();

A visit to the chiropractor

2010-05-28T15:26:00.001-07:00

$('body #back .pain').show();
$('body #back').click().click().click().dblclick();
$('body #back .pain').hide();

Chicken Burrito with jQuery

2010-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

$('#chicken').slice(8);
$('#chicken').add('marinade').delay(2000);
$('#chicken').add('.salsa').add('.guacamole').add('.jalapenos');
$('.ingredients').wrap('tortilla');

Regardless of the day ahead, coffee is needed.

2010-05-26T09:56:00.001-07:00

if ($(self).has('.work')) $(self).find('.coffee').first();
else if ($(self).has('.chores')) $(self).find('.coffee').first();
else $('.friends').join('#cafe');

Dealing with an oil spill is easy with jQuery

2010-05-25T11:51:00.001-07:00

$('#well').append('sealingdome');
$('.water').remove('.oil');

Man vs. Nature

2010-05-24T06:23:00.001-07:00

// Realistic
$('#volcano').show('explode');
$('.flights').delay(800).delay(800).delay(800).remove();

// Optimistic
$('.flights').replaceWith('trains, busses, boats');
$('.complaints').trigger('change');

Hide and go seek with jQuery

2010-05-23T11:01:00.001-07:00

$('#seeker').delay(100);
$('.friends').hide();
$('.friends').each(function() {
$('#seeker').find(this).show();
})

Robbing a bank

2010-05-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

$(self).load('gun');
$('#bank').find();
$('.money').remove();
$('.cops').effect('shake');

jQuery approach to sex

2010-05-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

$('#mypartner').focus(function() {
   $('#mypartner').andSelf().remove('.clothes');
   $('#me').find('#mypartner .clitoris').wrap('tongue');
   $('#me .penis').animate({
      height: '+=100%,
      width: '+=100%'
   });
   $('#mypartner').nextUntil('.orgasm').slideUp().slideDown();
   $('#me .penis').unload(function() {
         $('#me .penis').remove();
         $('#mypartner').andSelf().fadeOut();
      });
   });
});

jQuery sayings

2010-05-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

$('.ladies').first();
$('#age').before('#beauty');
$('#godliness').next('#cleanliness');
alert($('.blessings').size());
$(self).delay(999999).add('.goodthings');
$(':not(visible)').each(function() {
$('#mind').remove($(this));
});
if ($('.wheel .squeaky')) $('#grease').get();

// And a couple of cheaty ones that I couldn't resist...
$(self).live('sword', function () { die('sword'); });
$(self).animate({
haste: +100,
speed: -100
});

jQuery Haiku

2010-05-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

$(self).animate({
opacity: .01});
$(self).has('#disguise');

How mice affect our lives

2010-05-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

$('#MyHouse').mouseenter(function () {
   $('.cheese').slice(2);
   $('.mousetrap').add('.cheese');
   $('.mousetrap').position();
   $('.mousetrap #armed').toggle();
   $('.mousetrap').click(function() {
      if ($('.mousetrap').has('.mouse')) {
         $(this).remove('.mouse');
      }
      else if (!$('.mousetrap').has('.cheese')) {
         $('.cheese').slice(2);
         $('.mousetrap').add('.cheese');
      }
      $('.mousetrap #armed').toggle();
   });
});

$('#MyHouse').mouseleave(function () {
   $('.mousetrap').remove();
});

Hacking For Dummies

2010-05-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

$('.employeeemails').append($('#trojan')).ready(function() {
   $(self).add('#rootaccess');
   $('#data .sensitive').clone().appendTo('#myserver');
   $('.logs .tracesofme').removeData();
});

A day in the life of a hummingbird

2010-05-16T07:50:00.001-07:00

$('.flower:contains("Sugar")').hover(
   function() {
      $(this).empty();
   }),
   function() {
      $('.flower').next().focus();
   });
});

Our relationship was never like this before...

2010-05-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

$('#feelings #partner').change(function() {
   if ($('#feelings #partner').val()>$('#feelings #partner').before().val())
   {
      $('#love').show();
   }
   else if ($('.someoneelse').has('interest'))
   {
      $('#partner').replaceWith('.someoneelse');
   }
   else
   {
      $('#facebook_relationship_status').toggle();
   }
});

Inside the mind of a serial killer

2010-05-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

$('#reality').detach();

while (1)
{
   $('#victim').select(function() {
      if (!$('.witness').attr('visible')) {
         $('#victim').slice(16);
         $('#victim').die();
         $('#victim .bodyparts :visible').hide();
      }
   });
}

I just met someone and there was chemistry!

2010-05-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

$('.stranger').click(function() {
   {
      if ($(self).hasClass()) date();
      else $('#boundaries').blur();
   }
});

What sort of person are you?

2010-05-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

// Eliteist
if ($(self).getClass() != $('.otherpeople').getClass()) {
   return false;
}
else return true;

// Snob
if ($(self).getClass() > $('.otherpeople').getClass()) {
   return false;
}
else return true;

// Groupie
if ($('.otherpeople').getClass() > $(self).getClass()) {
   return true;
}
else return false;

// Humanitarian
return true;