Parenthood

$('#MotherToBe .twins').unload( function() {
   // 0 - 5
   $(this).attr("voice-family", "male");
   $(this).attr("volume", "x-loud");
   $(this).attr("pitch", "x-high");
   $(this).resize();
   $('.randomobjects').draggable();
   $(this).resize();

   // 6 - 10
   $(this).attr("volume", "loud");
   $(this).attr("pitch", "high");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).filter(".knowledge").effect("explode");
   $(this).resize();

   // 11 - 15
   $(this).attr("pitch", "medium");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).filter(".reason").effect("blind");
   $(this).siblings.text();
   $(this).add(".friends").text();
   $(this).resize();

   // 16 - 21
   $(this).attr("pitch", "low");
   $(this).resize();
   $(this).add(".friends").text();
   $(this).appendTo(".College");
   $(this).detach();
}

Surgical procedure - removing your tonsils

$('body').add('anesthetic');
$('#conciousness').fadeOut();
$('#tonsils').remove();
$('#conciousness').fadeIn();
$('#diet').replaceWith('Ice Cream');

Organising a night out

$('.venue:has(space)').find().get('Reservation');
$('.friends .underage').each().parents().get('Permission');
$('.friends:selected').text("Let's go out for dinner tonight!");

Cleaning the house

$('.surfaces').remove('.dust');
$('.bins:not:empty').empty();
$('.dishes').effect('shake');
$('#dishwasher .rack').load('dishes').add('washing powder');
$('#dishwasher #onbutton').keypress();
$('.television').focus();

The start of an American Football play

$('#play').select();
$('#players .good').select();
$('#players:selected').position();
$('.snap').trigger();

A friend in need ...

$('.friends').closest().find().unload('.troubles');

Recovering from a hangover

$('#bowels').empty();
$('.bucket').closest().get(1).append('vomit');
if ($('#bed').has('.someoneelse')) {
   $('#selfrespect').die();
   $('#bed').empty();
}
$('.regrets').each().focus();
$(self).detach('.headache');
$(self).append('.food .greasy');

Missed a blog post?

var requiredsleep = 1000 * 60 * 60 * 12;
$('#yesterday').blur();
$('.body').error(function() {
   $('#consciousness').fadeOut().delay(requiredsleep).fadeIn();
   $('#yesterday .blogentry').add();
   $('#today .blogentry').add();
});

Police work

$('.crime').stop();
if ($('#criminal .crimes').prev().prev()) {
   // Third strike
   $('#criminal').appendTo('#jail');
}
else {
   // Let them go with a warning
   $('#criminal .mindset').toggle();
}

Packing your suitcase

$('#clothes').each().effect('fold');
$('#shoes').each().add('socks'); // so the shoes keep their shape
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('clothes'));
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('toiletries'));
$('#suitcase').add(document.getElementById('shoes'));
$('#suitcase .zip').scroll();

A visit to the chiropractor

$('body #back .pain').show();
$('body #back').click().click().click().dblclick();
$('body #back .pain').hide();

Chicken Burrito with jQuery

$('#chicken').slice(8);
$('#chicken').add('marinade').delay(2000);
$('#chicken').add('.salsa').add('.guacamole').add('.jalapenos');
$('.ingredients').wrap('tortilla');

Regardless of the day ahead, coffee is needed.

if ($(self).has('.work')) $(self).find('.coffee').first();
else if ($(self).has('.chores')) $(self).find('.coffee').first();
else $('.friends').join('#cafe');

Dealing with an oil spill is easy with jQuery

$('#well').append('sealingdome');
$('.water').remove('.oil');

Man vs. Nature

// Realistic
$('#volcano').show('explode');
$('.flights').delay(800).delay(800).delay(800).remove();

// Optimistic
$('.flights').replaceWith('trains, busses, boats');
$('.complaints').trigger('change');

Hide and go seek with jQuery

$('#seeker').delay(100);
$('.friends').hide();
$('.friends').each(function() {
   $('#seeker').find(this).show();
})

Robbing a bank

$(self).load('gun');
$('#bank').find();
$('.money').remove();
$('.cops').effect('shake');

jQuery approach to sex

$('#mypartner').focus(function() {
   $('#mypartner').andSelf().remove('.clothes');
   $('#me').find('#mypartner .clitoris').wrap('tongue');
   $('#me .penis').animate({
      height: '+=100%,
      width: '+=100%'
   });
   $('#mypartner').nextUntil('.orgasm').slideUp().slideDown();
   $('#me .penis').unload(function() {
         $('#me .penis').remove();
         $('#mypartner').andSelf().fadeOut();
      });
   });
});

jQuery sayings

$('.ladies').first();
$('#age').before('#beauty');
$('#godliness').next('#cleanliness');
alert($('.blessings').size());
$(self).delay(999999).add('.goodthings');
$(':not(visible)').each(function() {
 $('#mind').remove($(this));
});
if ($('.wheel .squeaky')) $('#grease').get();

// And a couple of cheaty ones that I couldn't resist...
$(self).live('sword', function () { die('sword'); });
$(self).animate({
 haste: +100,
 speed: -100
});

jQuery Haiku

$(self).animate({
   opacity: .01});
$(self).has('#disguise');